Not Another Daria Parody!: The Prose Retake
by The Protagonist
Summary: *UPDATE* It keeps getting crazier and even more cliched! Is this a desperate plea for help or genius disguised as zany fanfiction? Read and find out!
1. The Intro

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The Intro: A Dawson's Creek/Peyton Place Kind Of World

Our story starts in the most typical of all places- the halls of a high school. Lawndale High, in particular. It had your usual suspects; the cute, confused, and sometimes callous, but always cuddly cheerleader, the well meaning idiot jock, the creepy guy that was just pure weird, and of course all the other unforgettable (note that they weren't mentioned) characters. But hey, Lawndale High was a great place. The kind of place that accepted everyone. _Even _those wacko unpopular kids. But hey, all Lawndalians must love one another. You know that sounded _really_ gross.

But anyway, Lawndale High was also some sort of Dawson's Creek mixed with Peyton Place world filled with lust, betrayal, and the latest clothes. Damn, that was the advertisement for the next season of the Real World. Oh well, so Lawndale High _did_ have a _few_ misfits and brains, but hey, things were great- who was going to rock the boat?

Well the boat, so to say, got a bit damaged a few weeks ago, when big Kevin Thompson, that well meaning idiot jock, was the cause of the Lawndale Lions losing the big game to Oakland (the Lawndale Lions' big rivals) when he was maybe a bit _too _nice when he suggested that the spiny freshman geek on the bench step in instead of he. Everyone was disappointed when Lawndale lost and the spiny freshman was left in a coma. The principal ordered a period of mourning for the football team soon after. It was _so_ sad seeing the cheerleaders in their black uniforms. They couldn't cheer properly for a week or two. Then when Cashman's had a sale, they sure got their pep back!

But Kevin did not get his pep back. His fellow peers and even his distant relatives shunned him. His mother even tried to smudge her surname when she was addressing the envelopes for the bills. But Kevin, who was the starting QB, (or quarterback, for you not in the know of high school lingo) the biggest blow came when Kevin was thrown into what he considered Hell- the _bench_. Being benched wouldn't have been so bad for Kevin, but the love of his life, (or high school career) Brittany Taylor, the head cheerleader, dumped poor and idiotic Kevin in his time of need or at least serious mental help. Kevin was about to enter something different, like another dimension… a place or a state of being called… _unpopularity_ even though he still hangs with unpopular people. Must be an ego thing.

Come and enter this special world of high school society and witness Kevin and his adventures or misadventures. Live the suspense or at least read it- I ain't picky.

But first you need to hear all about something that the network has decided is more important than the story itself.

"Soap, soap, soap on a rope, soap, soap, soap on a rope, soap, soap, soap on a rope… C'mon don't be a dope! Buy some soap on a rope! _Yeah_.It's so wonderful, soap on a rope. Why…"

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*Note*: This prose thing is just really an experiment that has taken forever for some strange reason. Through reviews, I need to know if this intro and its two following chapters reworked as prose and if I should continue with prose or stick with and reload the script. Oh, and the plot has be reworked around to include new things, but it's the same story at heart that was originally ripped off _She's All That _anyway. By the way, I'm sorry about how the reviews got removed because I needed to remove the story to replace the chapters. But thanks to all those who reviewed the original story.

Brought to you by **GeniusOTU** and our special friends at Viacom. Oh, all right. Here are the _real _disclaimers:  


Disclaimers: The only thing I really own in this story is the soap on the rope song and I'm not even sure what soap on a rope is. But I do know that MTV (those crazy kids), Noggin/The-N, and Viacom International own Daria. Actually, technically, I think those are all one and the same. Oh well. The characters and places I use in this fanfic belong to them, not me and I am writing this fanfic for personal amusement, definitely not profit. Not Another Teen Movie (this fanfic parodies it) is owned by Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and Sony Pictures (I think those are the one and the same as well) and I am borrowing the main concept for this fanfic from the movie (just please don't expect a drunken dad or a naked foreign exchange student in this, though. I want this not to be as um, gross as NATM was. No offense to Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and the dudes at Sony Pictures though!)

The Cast and Their Roles (in parentheses)

Jane (the pretty ugly girl)

Kevin (the idiot jock)

Robert (the jealous and cruel jock who says 'ma'am' and tries to stop himself. He's figured out it is a turnoff to girls)

Doug Thompson (the glory seeking dad)

Charlene Thompson (the over protective mother)

Mack (the token black guy)

Jodie (the token black girl)

Brittany (the nasty idiotic cheerleader)

Andrea (the misunderstood Goth)

Quinn (the beautiful girl with an aura of mystery)  


The Three Js (the beautiful girl with an aura of mystery's admirers and football players)

Daria (the self righteous misery chick writer)

Tom (the preppie guy who hangs out with everyone)

Upchuck (the creepy weirdo)

Ms. Li (the obsessed and fascist principal)

Mr. O'Neil (the touchy-feely teacher)

Mr. DeMartino (the nutcase teacher)

Ms. Barch (the male hating teacher)

Ms. Defoe (the artsy teacher)

Mrs. Bennett (the normal teacher with the weirdest secret)

Jake (the dad with bad memories)

Helen (the work obsessed mother)

Trent (the sleeping musician)

Sandi (the cruelest girl)

Tiffany (the vacant-minded girl who is something more)

Stacy (the spineless sweet girl)

Coach Gibson (the scary coach)

NOTES:  
1.) This is a parody of Not Another Teen Movie modified to Daria, so it creates some new kinds of people for the movie and keeps old ones (if you've seen NATM, you will understand what I mean).

2.) The cast list above does contain some slight spoilers, and so because this is a chapter fanfic you should probably read it at your own risk!

3.) Read and review!


	2. Chapter I: So It Begins

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Chapter I: So It Begins

Kevin struggled with his locker. He couldn't get it open. He _had _opened the lock and all, but the locker itself was jammed. The guys in the AV Club were so _nice_, Kevin decided and he grinned to himself. Being benched wasn't _so_ bad, right? But then again, there wasn't any Brittany. No more after game treats. No help removing his gear. God this sucked, he thought. Kevin glumly slumped against his locker and slid to the cheap tiled floor. Kevin couldn't even believe whom Brittany was going out with now. It was _Upchuck_! Then some rare moment of realization dawned on Kevin. The slut was going out with Upchuck to get some change. Upchuck wanted the toy and it all made sense. Kevin managed a weak smile to no one. Then suddenly, his locker popped open and out poured this gooey green crap. Kevin realized what the stuff was- slime! Wow, just like on Nickelodeon! Kevin really grinned. He _had_ always wanted to be slimed. And now his wish was granted.

"Do you chomp on your boogers or something?" Robert, the replacement QB, questioned Kevin, while walking up towards Kevin's locker and Kevin himself.

"Dude, no! This is slime! Ye-ah!" Kevin grinned like an eager small child at Disney World. Kevin felt some more slime pour on him. It was so cool! "Woo hoo! It's my birthday!"  


Robert was perplexed. It was Kevin's birthday? Robert didn't remember that. Oh no! Robert felt so guilty for treating Kevin like dog crap. And his designs on Brittany didn't make him feel any better. Even though Brittany _was_ going out with that Chuck dude. "Oh, Kevin. I am so sorry for treating you like shit! I had no idea it was your birthday! I am so freaking sorry, man! I am so sorry for bribing the AV nerds to rig your locker with slime. I'd never want that happening on my birthday! I'll tell you what: I, on behalf of the football team, will give you the chance to redeem yourself by setting up a bet."

The only words Kevin heard were redeem and football team. Screw everything else. Kevin's eyes became enormously large and a huge trademark Kevin Thompson smile was planted on his face. "Yeah, man. Go on! What is it?" Kevin started drooling like a dog out of happiness.

Robert thought for a minute. This _had_ to be good. Robert was satisfied with the thought Kevin Thompson, the man who had been his "superior" for so long, was now at his beckoning. Robert thought about what he resented most about Kevin. Girls, the way he got 'em. Robert wanted girls. Lots of them. Kevin got girls. But maybe if Kevin started dating an uncool chick, then Kevin would become uncool and girls wouldn't want to date Kevin and they'd want to date Robert. Robert smugly grinned. "Okay, I'll talk with Gibson and have him give you the job of 1st linebacker, and we'll kick off the Jerome kid. And this is all possible if you go out with- an unpopular chick."  


Kevin's dopey grin soon turned into a sad and frowning face. "Aw man!" Kevin thought about it. It wasn't too bad. He needed to be popular. Plus he had to be at least a semi-important member of the football team to pass classes with the bys Gibson and Li handed out. "Okay. I'll do it."  


Robert smirked. "Fabulous."

Meanwhile, Michael "Mack" MacKenzie, Lawndale High's token black guy was listening in to Kevin and Robert's conversation with Jodie Landon, his girlfriend, and the school's perfect token black girl. "That white brother is an idiot! Damn!"

"Mack, why are you talking like that?" Lately, Jodie had been concerned with Mack's behavior and was worried. Mack had been dwelling more and more on the fact that he was black and he had started degrading himself and using more and more racial labels.

"Baby girl, don't you worry about that. It's all cool." Mack leaned back in a "suave" way.

"Mack, no. You used to talk like you had a brain. I could talk to you. But now you sound like you're out of MTV2 or the UPN! You're scaring me! What's next? Are you going to start calling people, homies? And calling me baby girl? Mack, that's totally rude!" Jodie shouted so loudly, that Robert and Kevin took a glance at Mack and Jodie and then turned back to their deliberations.

Mack was flustered. It was just lately; he had gotten into hip-hop and the lingo. One day, he was just so bored that he had watched _Direct Effect_, and it was all downhill from that. He wanted to stop, but his mouth wouldn't. "I know, Jodie. Trust me. I'm sorry for calling you a baby girl. You're a big girl, trust me…"

Jodie hit him lightly with her textbook. "Mack!" And Jodie and Mack then walked off into the sunset- or off to Science class at least.

Tiffany Blum-Deckler, the vacant-minded girl, had a free study period that she usually spent in the bathroom by the makeup mirror, but today she just wanted to wander around the halls of Lawndale High. Tiffany was bored with fashion and stuff. She wanted to expand her horizons.

As Tiffany passed by Mrs. Bennett's room, she noticed the door was open. Out of curiosity, Tiffany stepped inside the room and boy, was she shocked at what she saw!

Tiffany saw an alien, like out of the X-Files, her favorite show when she was fourteen. The alien was green and slimy. It was rather gross looking, Tiffany observed. And it was talking to something in a weird foreign tongue. This could be bad.

Then Tiffany heard through the warbled and unfamiliar speech a name she knew. The weird alien creature Tiffany could see, pointed to itself in a joking manner. It said, "Diane."

Tiffany gently whispered in question in her more normal voice, "Mrs. Bennett? Oh, my God! Aliens _are_ among us!"

Suspense was building in Mr. O'Neil's Junior English Class. The Three Js, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie, were obsessing over their constant and shared goddess of perfection, Quinn Morgendorffer. All three boys knew that they would never have a chance with Quinn, but it was still fun to fixate upon her.

Quinn raised her hand. The Three Js wondered what she wanted. They slowly stood up in anticipation. "Uh, I need to stand up and look really mysterious and hot for a minute."

"Boys, please sit. Uh, Quinn-" O'Neil tried to form a proper rebuttal (doesn't that sound so wrong) but Quinn interrupted him and the boys sat back down.

"Thanks." Quinn said in that tone that made everyone love her. Quinn stood up in her new mysterious garb of a black beret, a gray and black striped skirt, and a black peasant blouse. Out of nowhere the song, _She's So High _by Tal Buchman started to play and Quinn started to slowly shake her head to sexily let a flow of beautiful copper hair through. The whole thing looked like it was in slow motion.

Joey was curious. "Why does that happen?"

In frustration, Jeffy answered, "Because Quinn's the beautiful girl with the aura of mystery, so shut up!"

Hey, Jamie had to defend Quinn too. "You shut up!"

In unison, all three off the boys cursed one another in various ways. "You shut the hell up! No you! Damn, Quinn's hot! Do you think she'll be my girlfriend? No, you fag! Dumb ass! Son of a bitch! You big sh- You shut the fuc-"  


O'Neil was shocked. These students had problems and only he could save them. O'Neil took a big breath and did one of the bravest things he would ever do in his life. "Stop! You three need some serious counseling if your language can be that bad. Anger management, maybe. You obviously need someone to talk to. That person should be Ms. Li."

The battling Js looked at one another. They knew that they were headed to detention. In times like these there is only one thing you can do: shout. "Nooooooooooooooo!"

"How about Missy?" Robert suggested. Kevin was being way too demanding. It was a _bet_, for Christ's sake

Kevin differed. "No, she's gay. _Eew_…"

"Forgot about that. Daria?" That was right, but it would have been _so _humiliating for Kevin.   


"Nah. She creeps me out and she's a brain. And she has a boyfriend and he's her _brother_!"  


"Me too. Especially that time _I _went out with her."

"Well, none of the unpopular chicks are hot. How about I go out with Angie?"

"No! She's now my girlfriend- sort of. How about that art girl, Janine or whatever?"

"I think her name's Jane. And she is kind of cute. Right?"  


How could Kevin even consider thinking Jane's cute? Oh well. Robert decided that this would help the decline of the hanging by a thread Kevin "empire". Then the reign of Robert would begin.

"Okay, why you chose 7th Period to pull this is beyond me. You three are football players. Punishment?" Angela Li peered through her bifocal spectacles at the quivering trio that sat across from her desk. "You know, it's not like I'm going to kill you and dump you in a river." The Three Js relaxed. "Please, hit men are easier." The Three Js looked like they were going to piss their pants from fear once more.

Joey, one of the boys lightened up. "What if we all worked as towel boys in the girl's locker room?"

This excited Jamie. "That sounds cool!"

"Nice!" Jeffy exclaimed. He high-fived Joey from behind.

"Nah, I've got something much better for you. You'll assist Pavlov the custodian in organizing the main storage room during your study hall tomorrow. It would cost more to have you do detention. Think of it as a crash course on the science of organization. Now go!" Ms. Li had a grin on her face like the Cheshire Cat.

Jamie mentally rolled his eyes. "Dude, this sucks."

Jeffy and Joey spoke in agreement in a whisper. "Totally."

"I heard that." Ms. Li spoke in a matching whisper. Needless to say, all Three Js peed their pants right then. Perhaps Ms. Li knew Cruella DeVille. Or perhaps she knew Dr. Frankenfurter.

Jane adjusted her portable CD player in its holder thing she wore around her waist. Today Daria and Tom had a date and so today Jane was going solo. It wasn't too bad. Oh hell, it was bad. Jane was so freaking annoyed by them. She _was_ happy about Daria getting a boyfriend. Jane really was. It was just that why did it have to be her old boyfriend?

"Jane! Jane! Jane!" Kevin had been chasing after her for about the entire walk home and for that complete duration of that time Jane had been extremely annoyed. Couldn't a girl listen to A.F.I. (I'm aware they're from the late nineties, but they are a really good band INMO) in peace?

Jane had to prevent Kevin from collapsing on the sidewalk from exhaustion by Mrs. Gupty's house. C'mon, that's a fate worse than _death_! "Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. You may leave the information here."  


Kevin stopped and curiously faced Jane, who had turned off the sounds of A.F.I. "What? I was gonna ask you out. Should I go back and get information? 'Cause I can, you know. I'm not stupid. I mean, I'm not saying that I'm smarter than you. But then again most men are, 'cause we got bigger brains. No offense 'an all. But you know-" Kevin babbled until Jane cut him off.

"Wow. Insulting me and asking me out. Gosh Kevin! You sure do know the way to a girl's heart." Jane placed a hand over her heart in jest.

Cool! Jane was giving him a compliment. That was good. Then she'd go out with him, make Brittany jealous, (who can resist the quarterback?) and it would cause him to win that bet with Robert. "Hey, thanks-" Kevin went in for the home run. "_Babe_."

"Kevin, did I even _say _yes? And did you really _even _ask me out?" Jane was fuming. Now he had insulted her twice!

Kevin was dumbfounded; (now there's a shocker) why was Jane so mad about him calling her, babe? Most girls would kill for that. "Sorry, ma'am." Kevin whimpered. Jane was _scary_.

Jane sighed. "Quit acting like I'm Barch." Kevin calmed down, but he still wore that scared look on his face. "Oh, all right! I'll go out with you. This had better earn me some serious Brownie points. C'mon, let's go to Pizza King now."

Neither of the two noticed Sandi Griffin, the cruelest girl in school, watching them nearby with a deep smirk on her face. Kevin Thompson was the starting link to getting what she wanted. This had better go good- or else.

What is Sandi's scheme? Is it good or evil? Will Jane have a GPA lower than a kindergartener's when she is through with her (chanting and taunting voice) _date _with Kevin? And what is the fate of the Three Js? Find the answers to all these burning questions on the next installment of Not Another Daria Parody!: _The Prose Retake._

But first a word from two familiar and very special friends. Read at your own risk. You have been warned.

"No you idiot! We aren't gonna get babes _that_ way!" Beavis rolled his eyes at his companion, Butt-head. Butt-head was trying pick-up lines on Mrs. Anderson's dressmaking mannequin.

"Why not? It works for Upchuck! Heh, heh, heh, heh…" Butt-head's eyes glowed with anticipation for the results of his "clever" plan. "Beavis, you asswipe!" 

Beavis had pulled his shirt over his head and he was deliriously singing and muttering his trademark tune. "I am the great Cornhulio! I need TP- for my bunghole! Bunghulio! Bunghulio!" Beavis ran around wildly, knocking down the mannequin.  


"You, dumbass! I wonder if Diarrhea's here… You think she'd do it with us?" While Butt-head deliberated this important thought with himself, as Butt-head was busy being Cornhulio, neither off them noticed Anderson sneaking up on them with a pitchfork.

Anderson started waving his pitchfork wildly. "You little varmints, that'll teach you to sneak into my living room again and watch my new TV!" Suddenly, Beavis and Butt-head dropped their acts and ran away from Anderson and his pitchfork.

As they ran away, the boys both shouted, "Anderson sucks! Heh, heh. Aaaaaaaaahhhh! Read Not Another Daria Parody!: _The Prose Retake,_ by GeniusOTU!!!! Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh… Dude, Anderson's like chasing us- is that good? Hey he stopped! Uh, oh. Buzzcut, man."

Anderson faced the camera with a solemn face and he held his pitchfork ala American Gothic. "This is not a commercial for MTV. This is a shameless self-promotion by GeniusOTU. GeniusOTU doesn't own Beavis and Butt-head. Nor do I, thank God. But there are always lawyers who think there's more to us common folk then meets the eye. They're wrong. Very wrong. In fact…"

An announcer cut off Anderson. She read the official disclaimer with such an annoyingly peppy voice that many people wanted to borrow Anderson's pitchfork and use it to drive away the peppy announcer. But they couldn't. "Beavis and Butt-head are um, owned by people that I don't know. Actually, I've never watched Beavis and Butt-head in my sixteen years of being alive, but that blonde one is kinda cute…"

The Many Disclaimers: MTV, Noggin/The-N, and Viacom International own Daria. Actually, technically, I think those are all one and the same. Oh well. The characters and places I use in this fanfic belong to them, not me and I am writing this fanfic for personal amusement, definitely not profit. Not Another Teen Movie (this fanfic parodies it) is owned by Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and Sony Pictures (I think those are the one and the same as well) and I am borrowing the main concept for this fanfic from the movie (just please don't expect a drunken dad or a naked foreign exchange student in this, though. I want this not to be as um, gross as NATM was. No offense to Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and the dudes at Sony Pictures though!) Oh, and in case you still don't get the idea; I don't own Beavis and Butt-head. Viacom International and MTV do. I don't own Beavis and Butt-head, but then again, who'd want to?


	3. Chapter II: Daria! The Musical II: Anoth...

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Chapter II: Daria! The Musical II: Another Moronic Relationship Song

Sandi watched Kevin and Jane talking. This relationship had to be destroyed. It was all in Sandi's grand scheme of breaking whatever was going on between Jane and Kevin up, rejoining Kevin and Brittany together and then having Charles all to herself. Sandi had learned of Charles's wealth and was most focused on getting a nice chunk of change. And plus it would "hurt" Brittany so badly. Oh how Sandi already "mourned" poor Brittany's loss.

"Sandi, you suck and we wanna go home!" Sam and Chris popped out from Sandi's shadows.

Sandi rolled her eyes. "Like I care, you little geeks!" Why did she have to live such an unglamorous life? That would soon change, Sandi thought and with that, Sandi started to walk down to her house to drop off the brats. She was going to Pizza King and not to get greasy pizza but to set the scheme into place.

Tiffany put on a pair of her mother's Superstar sunglasses and she threw on her dad's old trench coat in the living room. Her father, Martin Deckler, had been a detective with the Lawndale Police before he was killed in a car accident in pursuit of a criminal. Tiffany always thought there had been something that wasn't told about her father's death that she hadn't been told about. Myra Blum, Tiffany's mother had been depressed since the death six years ago, and she was starting to move on. Tiffany wondered what it must be like to lose your true love.

"Bull's eye!" Shouted Dan AKA the Spatula Man as he tossed a Z-93 key chain at Tiffany. Myra had started dating Dan a month ago after they had met at work at Z-93 (Myra had been a DJ at the classical music station and then switched to Z-93). Myra had replaced Bing as the other DJ after Bing had gone crazy from Dan's antics. 

Anyway it was really embarrassing and angstful having her mom going out with the Spatula Geek and the weird alien teacher thing that she had just discovered that looked like a _Men In Black _ extra. Like something out of a teenage high school/junior high drama or one of those cute boarding school comedy/dramas... Tiffany couldn't take it. "REAL LIFE NOW!" Tiffany screamed in a tone that wasn't her normal slow voice. And with that, Tiffany dramatically ran out of the house, knocking down all 240 pounds of Spatula Man/Dan and rushing past her shocked mother. She would have done a soap opera proud.

"Tiffany?" Was the last word Tiffany could hear from the depths of her mother's mouth, carried to her by the cool wind.

"Kevin, quit it. Do you even know the history of that "walrus thing"?" Jane rolled her eyes as she bit into the slice of greasy pizza that had finally cooled down.

Kevin didn't know the answer to the question, but he had a feeling that Jane did. He missed Brittany and Kevin felt like he was having one of those mood swings that his mother had. He had the sudden urge to sing. _"There's one I like and one I love/I know I sound like Michael Jackson sans the glove/I'd be smarter be if I could/I know you'd love me if you would/Take a minute in a line/Damn, you're divine/Help me now…/Yeah…/Help me now…"_

Jane was confused with the singing but then music started and then she had to stand up and sing too. _"I have a sudden urge to sing/Badda bing?/But it's going down the tubes/I'd make more pop culture references if I watched MTV2/But I know that it's for sure/That she's with him/And that this song's gotta swim/With you and Britt/Not all the other misfits/Help me now…/Help me now…"_

Then the entire pizza parlor began to sing the chorus. _"Sometimes I know I sound crazy/But maybe oh maybe/If you were my baby/You could surely save me/C'mon now engage me with my need/Please take heed/Help me now…/Yeah…/Help me now…"_

Then Sandi, who had been plotting at the table behind Jane and Kevin's booth, broke out in verse in a very dramatic soprano voice. _"I was plotting and allotting/To break up/A new hook up/But I know what you all mean/Even though I might seem/Kinda mean/I dream of harmony/Like all of you/Even Miss Li too/Help me now…/Help me now…"_

Brittany appeared at the door, having heard the song she sang too in a squeaky voice. "I think I can't sing/My voice lacks a catchy ring/Maybe Daddy will hire me a new tutor/Yeah, just like his next wife doesn't/Resemble something from Hooters/I heard you sing/Much better take than I/But know you this/Kevin, I'll positively die/Before I leave the guy/I um, like/So a hike…/Um, take a bow…/Go team wow…"

Then the pizza parlor extras sang something of a new chorus. _"She doesn't know the song right/That dame in blue and yellow/Poor Kevin/That swell mixed up young fellow/He just needs some help/So quit yelp-/Ing/About what you don't know/Miss Peep Show/We see it quite plain/We can clearly explain/Kevin go with the divine Miss Jane…"_

Kevin stood up on the table and put his hand on his heart. _"I don't know what I want/My heart's torn apart/Think I'm gonna fart/Excuse me/But I'm dazed and confused/What, you gonna put it on the news/Two different girls/Two different worlds/Two different chicks/I have to take my pick…"_

"Okay you prick/I am not a pick/I'm not some chick/That you can score with a click/Of your car keys/You gotta please me…" Jane started.

__

Brittany stepped in. _"Ha/Believe me/He'd choose me/But I don't want him/He's white trash/Plus he doesn't have the cash…"_

Jane rolled her eyes. _"What/Are you a hooker/Well/Guess you've got the lookers/P.S. Dudes/Don't book her…"_

"Pertain some peace/Ladies/The Q.B./Doesn't want any misery/Don't fight 'an pout/This isn't what the song's about…" Kevin decided to play the mediator; he didn't want chicks fighting over him.

The chorus joined in with a strong proclamation._"He's right…"_

_"What/Thought I'd never hear that/I'll eat my hat…" _Jane almost started to laugh over that line.

__

"Help/Help/Help/Help me now…" Kevin sang the highest he could. This singing thing was kinda weird. It was like _Grease_.

Everyone stated the last line together like it was a regular sentence. "_Help me now. That's right. Da duh duh. Woo."_

Kevin leapt off the table. "Why were we singing?"

Jane looked to the ceiling for an effect to her following sentence. "Only God knows why."

"I'm leaving to see Chuckie!" Brittany shouted from the door from which she had walked from once the song ended. "And I don't why I sang with you guys. Bye!"

Jane gave Kevin a grossed-out look. "Chuckie? Eew."

Tiffany ran along the alley, still donning her trench coat and sunglasses. She passed some homeless people. Tiffany wished she could help them. Oh well, there were some things that Tiffany had to deal with first. Tiffany hoisted herself onto a landing that was located by some garbage bags that smelled of rotten pizza. "I must be by the pizza parlor." Tiffany said out loud to no one in particular.

"Indeed you are, stranger." A strange voice snapped.

Tiffany looked up at where the voice had come from. A strange expression of recognition fell over her face. "Artie? Is that you?" Then the ending notes from each episode of Alias sounded and everyone knew that they would just have to wait with great impatience to see if it was indeed Artie and why Tiffany recognized him and why Tiffany spoke in a normal voice. Perhaps I'll also tell you why zebras have stripes. Nah, just kidding on that one.

Now a word from a tolerable friend some of you may know:

Gandhi stuck two French fries in his each of his nostrils. "Wonder what happens next? _Suspense_.Oh, I'm on. Hi, I'm Mahatma Gandhi from the hit show, Clone High USA. I'm your usual cloned teenager who hangs out with his best dudes, Abe Lincoln and Joan of Arc. I swear something's going on with those two even if Abe _seems _to dig Cleopatra. Anyway, even if Joan claims to be cynical, Daria is always going to be number one, or so it says on this teleprompter. Anyways, watch Clone High USA on MTV on Mondays at 10:30 PM-"  


The director of this particular promo ad spoke up. "Gandhi, this is supposed to be a plug in for a Daria fanfic."  


"How come there are a few Clone High fanfics, but there are about 800 Daria fics? Huh? Hey, do you like nachos? 'Cause I do. Dancing is fun, don't you think? Even though I am a totally better dancer than Marie Curie and that Gene Kelly… Oh…"  


Principal Cinnamon Scudworth ran into the scene right on cue. "Why Gandhi, have you read the Daria fanfic, Not Another Daria Parody! _The Prose Retake_? Because I have and it is fabulous." Scudworth looked into the camera. "I just want to give a shout out to my mom, my cloning machines, and me! Oh yeah, and you too, Mr. Butlertron…"  


A bored announcer sighed and said, "Read Not Another- Aw, screw it. That plug in was good enough. I'm up for pizza."

Disclaimers: I wonder how many people actually read disclaimers? I own the song. HA HA HA! MTV, Noggin/The-N, and Viacom International own Daria. Actually, technically, I think those are all one and the same. Oh well. The characters and places I use in this fanfic belong to them, not me and I am writing this fanfic for personal amusement, definitely not profit. Not Another Teen Movie (this fanfic parodies it) is owned by Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and Sony Pictures (I think those are the one and the same as well) and I am borrowing the main concept for this fanfic from the movie (just please don't expect a drunken dad or a naked foreign exchange student in this, though. I want this not to be as um, gross as NATM was. No offense to Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and the dudes at Sony Pictures though!) And I don't own Clone High USA, Viacom does, MTV does, Nelvana does, Touchtone Television owns Clone High USA, and probably a lot of more large corporations that I don't know of do.

Note: As always please review my experiment. I need to know whether to continue the story in a prose version or not and if I should stagger back to a script version. And last but not least, more chapters should be on the way, (depending on what the reviewers and I think by the time the intro and two following chapters are posted) so please stay tuned. Yeah.


	4. Chapter III: A Series Of Rather Boring E...

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Chapter III: A Series Of Rather Boring Events

We all know that you were all so curious about why Tiffany knows Artie, but some things are more important… We now present to you a _Real World_ marathon! Aw, c'mon! Who doesn't like that show? Whiny, trendy people… Okay, so pretty much everyone hates it. Then why are there three-hour marathons of it on every freaking day? Oh, well…

__

"This is the true story of seven strangers picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real…"

Sorry about that, we will actually be showing the new installation of this fan fiction…

"Tiffany? I haven't seen you since the alien convention a couple years back! What the hell happened to you? Did those pesky Alien Space Babes abduct you? I _knew _your skin looked a bit different, no offense or anything? _Wait_! You've been avoiding me, haven't you? Yeah, that's about right… You know, I feel more _alienated_ each and every day… May I touch your skin?" Gasped Artie in a single hyperactive breath.

"Uh…no…" Tiffany drawled. "That's…just…gross."

Artie crossed his arms against his chest. "Gee, what happened to your voice? The aliens replace it with a moron?"

"Why are you so uptight? You know I don't talk like a moron!" Tiffany pulled a dramatic glare.

Artie kneeled down in front of Tiffany. "It's my inner torment, the secret I have… The one that you'll never know and that shall be my burden forever and ever and EVER!" He sobbed.

"_Right_. Hey, could you help me?"

"Anything for an old friend…" Artie brushed off his jeans as he stood up.

Tiffany took a breath. What if he didn't believe her? Oh, he'd believe her. This was the guy who claimed to be abducted by aliens each week. "I saw an alien. My teacher."

Artie pulled his face into a stern look that felt to Tiffany as if he were peering deep down into her forlorn soul. "It's Diane Bennett- isn't it?"

"Yes." Tiffany was overcome with emotion. "DIANE! Wait, how do you know that?"

Artie slicked his hair back. "I have my sources. C'mon. I think I have an idea. To my Pizza-Mobile."

"Any deliveries?"

"Don't get me started. I've delivered pizza to way too many freaks today. I almost got fired! C'mon! TO the Pizza-Mobile" Artie sauntered over to the rusty van that was parked in the alleyway.

"Okay."

"The Pizza Guy Alien Abductee. Artie, The Pizza Guy Alien Abductee. Let's roll." And with that, Artie put on some sunglasses out from nowhere and he stepped into the pizza van. "Come, Tiffany." 

Tiffany entered the Pizza-Mobile. "Wow…" The interior of the van was super high-tech. It had all sorts of computers and monitors and…

"A very cool radio." Artie said with pride.

Tiffany became suspicious. "Why do you have all this cool shit?"

"Because the aliens did it! When they abducted me they…"

Tiffany sighed and put on the radio to block out Artie. "Damn it, Artie."

Sandi had walked home since we saw everybody's favorite conniver last. She had left Sam and Chris to be babysat by the Play Station. Sandi had retreated to her absolutely perfect perfectly popular room and was gazing at her perfect self in her perfectly clear mirror. It was true. Sandi was the cutest girl in _all_ of Lawndale.

Then Stacy's green face appeared in the mirror. _That's odd_, thought Sandi. _I would have thought that Tiffany would be my Magic Mirror Person ™. Weird._ Sandi then shrugged. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the cutest girl in the world- or at least Lawndale?"

Stacy paused. "Um, it's you. Right, Sandi? Or was I supposed to say Quinn?"

"Like, me, Stacy-Mirror-Girl-Person!" Sandi growled.

"Please don't hurt me! Hey, I'm in a mirror. You can't get me!" Stacy disappeared from Sandi's mirror.

"Green is such an unflattering color!" Exclaimed Sandi, to no one except herself. "Time for a new look, since I am the cutest and cruelest girl in school."

Stacy popped back in the mirror. "Cool! Can I help?"

"Sure, but just remember I have the final word since I do have the best taste…" Sandi ran to her closet because suddenly she found her closet to have been filled with different types and styles of clothes. "Told you I have a guardian angel."

"_1 and 2 and 3 and 4   
This my rap song  
1-2-3-4   
I get really sick and tired of boys up in my face_"

Yo yo! Puff Sandi's in da house! She's looking pretty old school with all her bling-bling and Adidas sneaks, but how hard core is she? Apparently not very hard core because it doesn't take three minutes for 'Lil Stacy and Puffy, over there, to figure out that hip-hop is a style that Fashion Club members should avoid.  
  
"_Pick up lines like "What's your sign?" won't get  
you anyplace   
When me and all my girls go walking down the  
street_"

It's nature girl Griffin! And she looks like she's ready for a good hike in her khaki shorts, Timberland boots, and- _polyester pullover_? That's a fashion no-no! She's going to the woods on that one- bye!

  
"_It seems we can't go anywhere without a car that  
goes "Beep-beep"_

She's ready for the club in this little flashy number. Sandi would get the Rutteheimer seal of approval if Upchuck laid his eyes on her in this outfit. But fishnets and _very_, _very_, short dresses obviously aren't suitable for Sandi. The girl has _dignity_!  
  
"_Mirror on the wall, damn I sure look fine   
I can't blame those horny boys, I would make me  
mine" "When I pass you in a club, "Ooh, lala!" you gasp   
Back up boy, I ain't your toy, or your piece of  
ass_" 

Sandi looks like a naughty little girl in a suggestive schoolgirl uniform. A cross pendant completes the look! Sandi and Stacy both nod in approval of this look. But a finishing touch is needed- Sandi ties the ends of the blouse so that her navel shows. Perfect.

  
"_Let's come together   
We'll show them what we're talkin' bout   
Let's come together   
C'mon girls let's work it out   
Let's come together   
Let's come together   
Let's come together   
Nothin' good comes for free_"

"That looks really cute." Mirror Stacy squealed. "Oh, my mom's coming! I'm doing nothing Mom!" Mirror Stacy disappeared from the surface of the mirror.

"Eat your heart out, Taylor." Sandi then proceeded to rummage through her magically endowed closet to see if there was anything else in there that would look really cute on her. Sandi would then proceed to the park. She just happened to know that Brittany was there… Time to set Phase One in place!

Jane and Kevin were also at the park and Kevin was trying to feed the pigeons with futile results.  


"_This_ would make a good painting, sport boy who _Ihavedivergingfeelingsforinthiswackyattemptatfanfiction._" Jane remarked nervously.

Kevin was confused as one of the pigeons bit him. "What?"

Jane blushed for perhaps the first time in her life. "Nothing, nothing."

"Hey, if you're gonna insult me…"

"Why was my fast remark an insult?" Jane was starting to fume. Had he heard her remark? "Why was me saying that I like you in a subtle manner an insult? Is that how you treat girls? Like crap? Hmm?"

Kevin looked even more confused. "I thought you said that you thought I smelled! Well I did forget to put on deodorant this morning… Wait! You like, _me_? This is serious man! Kinda like that time, Brittany broke up with me?" Kevin resorted to crying and mumbling, 'Babe!' as Jane sat at the park bench banging her head against her arms.

"Why me?"

Brittany was not in love. She was not really in like either. She was just pissed off. That Jane-freak was going to steal her Kevvy! Well, Kevin wasn't her boyfriend anymore, but still! A geek as a follow-up to her? No way!

"Brittany?" A valley-girl voice drawled. It was Sandi, in a sexy schoolgirl outfit. What did she want?  


"What?" Brittany turned around to face Sandi. They were at the park, far away from those gross pigeons.

"I just happen to know you want Kevin back." Sandi smirked. This was easy.

Brittany scowled. "No I don't? Um, I like Upchuck?"

Sandi shook her head. "No you don't like Upchuck. You want his money, but won't you be a rich cheerleader when you're older?"

"Good point… No, you're tricking me! You're trying to take Upchuck away for yourself! No you don't! I know tae kwon do!"

Ninja cheerleader, not good. Pissed off ninja cheerleader, very bad. Ninja cheerleader + Cute and delicate Fashion Club President= much damage to cute and delicate Fashion Club President. Sandi gulped. Was Brittany going to hurt her?

Then, Brittany's foot came hurtling towards Sandi's waist…

Author's Notes: (or my usual verbal flood) Okay, probably not my best chapter in my opinion. I also don't really like the title. A note about Tae Kwon Do is that you should _never _use Tae Kwon Do for violence and only for defense. This is only a stereotypical representation. Heck, most of this story and the movie it was based on were stereotypes! _Daria_'s stereotypical! Also my representation of the Fashion Club is purely stereotypical. It's just immature bashing. I know that this fic is _nowhere_ close to on-canon, but who does canon anymore? Okay, I slowly back away to avoid fanfic authors who have written on-canon and all are armed with tomatoes…

Also, about the length of time between chapters. Sorry! It was lack of creativity and fear of readers! Not lack of uh, reviews… I do it for the joy of writing. It's also a killer excuse to bum time. 

Disclaimers: ('cause I really don't wanna get sued) I wonder how many people actually read disclaimers? MTV, Noggin/The-N, and Viacom International own Daria. Actually, technically, I think those are all one and the same. Oh well. The characters and places I use in this fanfic belong to them, not me and I am writing this fanfic for personal amusement, definitely not profit. Not Another Teen Movie (this fanfic parodies it) is owned by Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and Sony Pictures (I think those are the one and the same as well) and I am borrowing the main concept for this fanfic from the movie (just please don't expect a drunken dad or a naked foreign exchange student in this, though. I want this not to be as um, gross as NATM was. No offense to Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and the dudes at Sony Pictures though!) And I don't own that song featured during the Sandi changes clothes montage scene. Arista Records does. The song is _Respect_ by Pink. And I found the lyrics at www.songlyrics.com

Next chapter will be up soon, so please stay tuned. Review if you'd like (hint, hint)… It's that nice, nice, purple button over… _there_!


	5. Chapter IV: The Chapter That Shall Not B...

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Chapter IV: The Chapter That Shall Not Be Named

Robert arrived just in time to stop Brittany's foot from knocking Sandi down. Sandi stood back from Brittany and fell onto the ground. Brittany then looked up at Robert in confusion. He just smirked. A scowl then formed on Sandi's face.

"Guess you owe me now, huh?" Robert tried to help Sandi up, but she resisted his assistance and stood up on her own.

Sandi's eyes sent him a piercing stare. "I can't believe you, _Robert_."  
"Neither can I!" Squealed Brittany. She was still mad. "I guess I can let this one pass, but stay away from Chuckie! Humph!" Brittany then left, sauntering away haughtily.

Robert glanced at Brittany then he looked at Sandi once more. "Here's how you can help me, Sandi, ma'-."

"I don't need to help _you_." Sandi started to walk away, but Robert's menacing voice stopped her.

"I'll be back."  


Sandi scowled and walked away to her home and to continue her scheming.

Robert, however, remained where he was when Sandi left. He was in deep thought. Robert was trying to figure out how to screw Kevin even more. He knew that Sandi Griffin was an adversary. He had to screw her over as well. This was like a mental war. A war of manipulation. That sounded cool.

He knew he had to understand his enemy. Let's see. What did Griffin want? Popularity, power, clothes- money. Bingo. Kevin- money? No match. Brittany has money, but she'll probably get screwed over by her parents. Brittany's dating Upchuck who has a shitload of moolah. Brittany's dating Upchuck for his money. She wants to marry him to get it. Robert thought about it some more. And Sandi wants Upchuck's money, so…uh…Sandi wants to fix Kevin up with Brittany so she can have the Chuckster! Robert smirked. He had it all figured out. Honestly, someone should pay him for this.

What were his own motives? Robert wanted to set Kevin up with Jane to make him unpopular, so he could get Kevin's own accumulation of girls. That's why he rigged that fatal football game too. He had paid that freshman to go in no matter what. Robert knew Kevin would encourage the freshman to go in too.

Robert knew what he had to do. He had to feign an alliance with Sandi and further himself into the game. That Jane chick was the key here. But what was it all for? Robert was beginning to confuse himself with all of these strategies.

"C'mon, Angie… Please?" Robert looked into Angie's eyes, begging her to do him the favor he asked of her.

Angie exhaled dramatically. "Fine. I'll help Jane, but do you think it's a good idea? Britt doesn't like Jane because of Kevin and…" Angie's uncertain eyes finished her sentence.

"Don't worry, ma'- Damn it!"  


"You're getting good with stopping the ma'am thing!" Angie smiled. "I'll help Jane with clothes, just because it's something you asked, not because I'm into those artsy people. And Jane better be just a friend. You're my boyfriend now!"

"I know…"

Tiffany looked up to see where Artie had stopped the car. He had stopped it in front of a gloomy looking place, Diane and Herbert Bennett's house. It was painted a dreary gray and even worse, it had a…it had a…_carport_! Tiffany had never been fond of the color gray or carports and this time was no exception.

Artie glanced at Tiffany. "I'm going in. You stay here."

"But that's how bad horror movies start. Besides, I don't want to stay here alone. I'm going with you."

"Fine, but it's started to rain. How weird is the weather?" Artie squinted his eyes in confusion. It was sunny one minute, but raining the next!  


Tiffany sighed. "Exaggerated weather- Part 14, Section 19 of the Rules of fan fiction."

"Gotcha. Let's go in."

"What if they're in there? Even worse- what if they're wearing _spandex_?"

Artie chuckled. "And you're also worried that they're transsexuals aren't you? Oh God. What if we burst into song? You weren't at the pizza parlor when _that_ happened! Oh God! The Bonknians! Save us! Save us! Tiffany! The latex is coming off! My skin!" Artie was of course exaggerating the situation. His skin was not peeling off as he so claimed. "We are near aliens! We must stop them! We need ammunition! We need bagels!"

"Why, uh, bagels?"

"'Cause I'm hungry!"

Tiffany stared at Artie. "Screw the bagels. Let's go."

"Artie, c'mon." Tiffany motioned for her cowering companion to move forward into the house.

"What if they hurt us? Huh? This is bad. Y'know, when you're planning something, it's cool. Nothing's gonna hurt you. But now- WE ARE BOTH GONNA DIE AND I HAVE YET TO SEE ALL OF THE NEW EPISODES OF _THE TWILIGHT ZONE_ ON THE UPN THAT WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE SHOWN AND I AM STILL PISSED THAT _ROSWELL _AND _BUFFY _WERE CANCELLED OR WHATEVER! ALSO NOT TO MENTION THAT I DID NOT GET TO SEE THE FINALE OF _FRIENDS_!  


"_You_ watch _Friends_?"

The cowering Artie shrugged. "Jennifer Aniston's a babe."

Tiffany scowled. "All guys are so totally alike. Back to cowering, Artie. Let's go."  
Tiffany and Artie continued the trek into the basement of the house, since that was how they were going to enter. What they discovered would be quite shocking.

Jane was in love. She loved Kevin. She did not want to love Kevin, yet all the same she loved him. He was amusing in that idiotic jock way and he was cute. This really reeked of some crappy romantic comedy.

She had admitted her feelings, but he did not respond to him. To sum it up, the situation sucked. How could she get Kevin to notice her?

Jane was sitting alone on the park bench. Kevin had stormed home in a rage about Brittany. Yet it was still there. Jane loved Kevin.

Then it got really weird. The jock, with the 'ma'am thing', sat down next to her. He wanted to talk to her. But about what?

Tiffany and Artie were in what one might call deep shit. They somehow got themselves trapped in a weird room in the Bennett basement since we saw them last. It was more like a laboratory then anything else. It was definitely odd.

But what was even more odd were the specimens in the glass jars that were stacked atop one another against the gray cement wall of the room. The specimens were unlike anything that had walked this Earth. They were…alien.

One specimen was familiar and it caught the eyes of our heroes. This specimen looked human, but it was not. It was a cross between a wax sculpture and a robot. It was a female with long blonde hair. The creature had blue eyes. Designer clothes attired the creature. It had the most perfect features. The specimen was located on top of a metal bed.

Then the door to the weird room creaked open. Two figures stood, but only one was familiar. The familiar one began to speak.

"Uh, sorry, ma'- Please don't hurt me!" Robert thrust his hands up in defense. Jane was still fuming.

Jane's eyes screamed with fury as she stared at Robert in full rage. "HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I NEED A MAKEOVER AND YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND WILL HELP ME! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"Yes'm!" And with that, Robert ran far away from Jane. He'd just have to hope that Kevin was oblivious to Jane's appearance. Like _that _would happen!

Jane sat, thinking. She did want Kevin to notice her, but not such a shallow way. She wasn't one to change herself for a guy, was she?

Author's Note: I really don't like the name of this chapter, but oh well, eh? If anyone reading this can think of a better chapter name (that's appropriate), please tell me in a review if you want. Thanks!  


Disclaimers: I wonder how many people actually read disclaimers? MTV, Noggin/The-N, and Viacom International own Daria. Actually, technically, I think those are all one and the same. Oh well. The characters and places I use in this fanfic belong to them, not me and I am writing this fanfic for personal amusement, definitely not profit. Not Another Teen Movie (this fanfic parodies it) is owned by Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and Sony Pictures (I think those are the one and the same as well) and I am borrowing the main concept for this fanfic from the movie (just please don't expect a drunken dad or a naked foreign exchange student in this, though. I want this not to be as um, gross as NATM was. No offense to Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and the dudes at Sony Pictures though!)

Read and review! I don't know when my next update will be. I hate taking over a month for an update. Sorry about that! Oh well. Don't hate me! J 


	6. Chapter V: Does Everybody Love Mary Sue?

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Chapter V: Does Everybody Love Mary Sue?

"And so you've found our super secret laboratory. Curses!" Mrs. Bennett was shaking her fists with fury at the cowering Tiffany and Artie. Then she strangely smiled at them. "You know what, you can help us since you know about our project. We'll just erase your memories with those _Men In Black_ things."

Artie gasped. "Aliens!"

"SHUT UP!" Tiffany was afraid of these people hurting her and him. They did have a _carport_ after all!  


"Quite all right. Anyway, I'll tell you all about our projects. And if you tell anybody about them- we will force you to watch a marathon of failed ABC and NBC sitcoms and reality shows!" Diane Bennett smirked. She had them. "Our smaller project is to create stars of teen _dramedy _television shows."

Mrs. Bennett motioned towards a few cages towards the back of the room that were stacked together and our heroes could hear-

"I thought he liked _me_, y'know? I mean _I _knew him when I was a little kid and then he goes and likes my geeky best friend! And then _they_ kinda sorta break up and I kinda can't go out with him!"

"She dumped me. Why me? I wanted to be with her until the end of time. Okay, maybe junior high, but she dumped me! Wah!"

"I kissed my ex-boyfriend. Do I tell my current boyfriend? I don't want him to dump me!"

"STOP IT!" Artie couldn't take it any longer. _That_ was torture.

"Moving on then. Why don't I just tell you about our BIG project?" Without stopping for their approval, Mrs. Bennett continued. "We have created the perfect high school student. She is kind, beautiful, intelligent and extremely well rounded, exotic and interesting. Meet Mary. Mary Sue." The waxy robotic creature sat up on the metal bed at the mention of her name.

"Hi ya'll!" Mary Sue smiled a pearly white grin.

A few days later, Artie was alone, driving Mary Sue to Lawndale High School. That was what Mrs. Bennett wanted him to do. He supposed that students would have thought it to be odd that a teacher was driving a new student to school and that's why he had been given the job.

Her mother had grounded Tiffany yesterday for a week for apparently running away when Tiffany returned that day. Her mother had felt bittersweet. Her mother's boyfriend just felt guilty. God, would he hate to be in that guy's shoes.

Anyway, surprisingly, Mrs. Bennett hadn't told them (Tiffany and himself) much about "Project Mary Sue". Mr. Bennett hadn't said anything to them. In fact, Artie had never seen the face of Herbert Bennett. He had always kept his back turned or in a dark light. Weird.

"I can't wait to go to school! I love school! The intellectual challenges and the social aspects of school make it all the worthwhile!" Mary Sue flashed that perfect grin again. God was it annoying.

The light turned red. Artie looked strangely at Mary Sue. He wondered… "Hey, Mary Sue? I have a problem."

"Ooh what?" Mary Sue smiled and stared right into his eyes.

"I like a girl but I don't know if she uh, likes me back." Artie stammered while focusing straight ahead on the traffic.

Mary Sue smirked. "You like that Tiffany girl who was with you, don't you?"

"How, how did you know?"

Mary Sue shrugged modestly. "I don't know. I'm just a natural matchmaker I guess."

"What do you like?" Or are programmed to like, Artie thought.

She closed her eyes in deep thought. "Let's see. I like foreign art films, chick flicks, pop music, classical music, jazz, ethnic music and rock. I can play the guitar and the flute, you know. Oh and I like walks along the beach and deep discussions about politics and literature. And shows about aliens."

Mary Sue was well rounded all right.

That Artie geek had dropped her off at school. It was so annoying to pretend that she liked him. No, she had a job to do. Must be perfect, perky and popular. That was her. Okay, time to dominate.

Suddenly several boys came rushing at her, like dogs. Perfect. "Hi boys, I'm Mary Sue." Mary Sue hoped she didn't sound like she was trying too hard.

"Hey, I'm Jeffy and you're hot." Mary Sue did look hot in her designer clothes. She wore a light blue silk peasant blouse that had pastel colored flowers dancing around on it. The blouse also split into two just below her bust so it exposed some of her midriff. Mary Sue wore a matching white silk skirt that had the same genre of flowers on it. On her feet, she wore simple white Mary Janes (A/N: Mary Sue, Mary Janes, get it? Okay it's lame!) with high heels on them. And her radiant blonde hair was adorned with a light blue ribbon to match. Mary Sue hoped she pulled off the entire cute/hot look.

"Yo, I'm Jamie and I think that you're hotter than Jeffy thinks 'cause Jeffy sleeps with a teddy bear."

A fake smile spread across Mary Sue's face. "I think that's sweet."

Jamie almost leapt off the ground. "Well you know, I have an entire room filled with teddy bears and I hug each one each day."  


"You know Jamie, not all girls are that dumb. You were dissing on your buddy and that's not cool." Mary Sue reasoned and she glided away.

"Gosh she's swell." Jeffy gushed. "And she scolded you, Jamie."

"I love her more than Quinn." Jamie then floated away to his happy place all because of this extraordinary girl. Or so he thought.

"Hi! I'm Mary Sue." Mary Sue introduced herself to a girl who looked really cute (and completely gullible).

The girl smiled and nodded. "I'm Stacy Rowe! Do you think my scrunchie looks okay? I'm the secretary of the Lawndale High Fashion Club! Your outfit's really cool!"

"Oh, thanks! The Fashion Club sounds totally coolie!" Susan Marie smiled. Maybe she could get a position in it. There was one way to get popularity. It was almost comparable to being Student Body President.

Stacy smiled nervously. "I so have to talk to Sandi 'an Quinn about you! One of our members has been absent for a while. I bet you could replace her! I mean if it's cool with them…"

It will be cool with them if I have _my_ way, thought Mary Sue.

Mary Sue had walked away from Stacy who seemed a bit neurotic. Another way to gain popularity was to perform good deeds. Make over an unpopular person! Voila!

She searched for her prey. There. In the red jacket. A total fashion victim. But when Mary Sue was done with her. She'd be perfect. Well, not as perfect as Mary Sue, anyway.

While Mary Sue stood, looking at the girl in the red jacket, a boy walked up to her.

The boy cleared his throat to grab her attention. "I'm Robert." 

"I'm Mary Sue."

"Cool. That chick you're looking at- that's Jane Lane, so you know." Robert had more to say. "You look popular enough and you seem so damn nice. Could you help me?"

Mary Sue grinned, feeling a little bit of annoyance. Robert seemed a little shady. "Sure."

"Could you make her over? It's for a project in my uh, English Class?"

Mary Sue cocked an eyebrow. English Class? "I wanted to make her over anyway. You can help me, then."

Author's Note: I know people will get this, but just for the record, Mary Sue (the character in my story, not the epidemic that has struck fan fiction) is just a parody- definitely _not_ a serious character. J 

Disclaimers: I wonder how many people actually read disclaimers? MTV, Noggin/The-N, and Viacom International own Daria. Actually, technically, I think those are all one and the same. Oh well. The characters and places I use in this fanfic belong to them, not me and I am writing this fanfic for personal amusement, definitely not profit. Not Another Teen Movie (this fanfic parodies it) is owned by Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and Sony Pictures (I think those are the one and the same as well) and I am borrowing the main concept for this fanfic from the movie (just please don't expect a drunken dad or a naked foreign exchange student in this, though. I want this not to be as um, gross as NATM was. No offense to Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and the dudes at Sony Pictures though!)

I updated with two chapters today (okay so they are a tad short). Yay! Maybe that'll make up for the long duration of time I take to update. Sorry about that, again. Okay, you know the deal (or you don't, or whatever). Review or else I'll…I'll- I don't know! Just kidding (or am I? J )


	7. Chapter VI: My Fair Janey

****

Chapter VI: My Fair Janey

"Why do you have to be so damn perfect and nice? Okay, you can do it. You can give me a makeover" Jane closed her eyes. Why was she agreeing to this? Had she any shame? Well, the "cute" type was Kevin's type. And damn it, she wanted to be Kevin's type. Oh, God, what _was _she becoming? The Jane Lane she knew didn't care about this kind of thing. She wasn't becoming shallow, was she?

Mary Sue had won, as she had expected. How could she expect less from her own self? She was going to transform _that _thing into _the _thing. "_Loverly_!"

"Uh, loverly ain't a word, ma'am." Robert blushed. He had slipped!

"C'mon! Let's get this party in motion!" Mary Sue clapped her hands. It was time to get started.

"C'mon, Jane! You look great! WOO! Yeah! Come downstairs!" Mary Sue was flabbergasted. Jane refused to come downstairs. They were at the Lanes' house.

Robert cheered. His plan had to work and at Lane's uncertain rate… "Come on! You look fine!"

A sigh came from upstairs. "_Fine_. I admit I look okay. Why did I do this?"  


__

Kiss me out of the bearded barley   
Nightly beside the green green grass   
Swing swing swing the spinning step   
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress 

  
Mary Sue, with Robert's help (as a shopping bag flunky), had outdone herself. Jane looked even more conventional then she had that _other_ time she would like to forget. She was attired with all the latest clothes and she looked… cute. She looked completely different.

Jane's hair had quite a drastic change in appearance. It had been streaked with chunky blonde highlights and since Mary Sue was so apt at everything, the dye job had turned out perfectly (unlike another certain time). Jane's hair remained its original jet-black color, but it had been layered, so the hair had a "punky" feel to it.

Mary Sue had opted for minimal makeup on Jane's face. She wore a light layer of glittery lip-gloss and that was about it. 

The clothes that Jane wore were straight out of the cute catalog! She wore a pair of faded light blue denim capris and a red retro print tank top. She wore white flip-flops on her feet.

Jane posed at the bottom of the stairs. "Ta da?" No one could have known that right that due to rotting wood on the staircase, it would collapse and the newly trendy Jane would fall right in, but she did. Perhaps a sign from above? "Yo! I mean, please help me!"

"Oh, um I forgot my survival rope today. Damn, uh… ROBERT! Do something! You're the guy!"

Robert stood there. "Right, uh…"

"Dude… uh, why are you all _here_? I was, uh, sleeping?" Trent scratched his head in confusion as he jumbled in from the living room. "Hey, where's Janey? You guys aren't robbers, are you?"

__

A loud, but muffled voice came from beneath the large hole in the stairs. "THEY WOULDN'T TELL YOU IF THEY WERE ROBBERS BECAUSE THEY WOULD BE ROBBING YOU, TRENT! ANYWAY, THEY AREN'T. BUT I NEED A _LITTLE_ HELP TO GET BACK UPSTAIRS!"

Trent shrugged and then proceeded to pull his sister up from beneath the floor. He did so and then stared at her. _There's something about Janey_. "Hey, Janey. There's something about you!"

Jane tried to get into her "cute character" just as she had practiced with Mary Sue. "Like I got a makeover, okay?" Okay, now she sounded just like she had had a full frontal lobotomy. Super. But that was what Kevin liked.

"Whoa."

Whoa was a good term to define the situation. See, while Robert was scheming and Mary Sue was being her malicious good-doer self with him, Sandi was scheming, too. 

She had talked to Kevin. He said that he kind of sort of wanted Brittany back, but he kind of sort of liked Jane. Sandi had evilly convinced him to Brittany. It was the sexy schoolgirl outfit that had really convinced him.  
It was the day after Jane's makeover. Kevin had yet to see Jane.

"_Come on_! It's time! _Declare _your _love _for her!" Sandi shouted at Kevin, who was standing high up on the mostly empty football stand bleachers. He held a bullhorn in his hand. The cheerleaders were practicing some new routine in the field.

Kevin turned up the volume on his bullhorn. It made a piercing squeak that grabbed _everyone's _attention, including Brittany's. It also grabbed someone else's.

"I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU-OO-OO-OO, BRITT- WHOA, _DUDE_! JANE, YOU LOOK HOT MAN! SO I CHANGED MY MIND, I LOVE YOU, JANE!" Jane had gotten an excuse from Ms. Morris in gym class and was sitting in the bleachers, all decked out in "cute" attire. She had stood up in Kevin's direction when she heard Kevin's proclamation of love. She didn't know what to make of it. She was angry, yet pleased. She ran way from the football field/gym/track area.

Jane was crying in a girls' bathroom stall. Daria walked in. She looked around and spotted the pair of cute white flip-flops. "Hello shoes. Why am I _ever _talking to shoes? Maybe I'll mistake Tom for a hat and then I shall be deemed insane. Legally. I already am, eh, shoes?"

"Shut up, Daria!" Jane mumbled.

Daria crossed her arms across her chest and she stared off into the bathroom mirror. "First you abandon me for the cute crop and then you tell me to shut up. You're going to join the Fashion Club, aren't you? Then you can _all _ask each other what kind of nail polish you'd be and why."

"It's not like that. I kinda did it for a guy. And before you go into what a poser I am, let me remind you that you pierced your belly button for Trent."

"First of all, I don't use that word. Second of all, the piercing closed up and that was eons ago." Daria rolled her eyes.

"Still the same."

Daria cocked an eyebrow in sudden interest. "Who is the lucky guy?"

Jane gulped and she stared at her feet in the toilet stall. "Uh, Kevin."

"You're gonna lose loads of valuable brain cells that way. You can't seriously like him. It _is _Kevin…"

Jane stopped crying. "I really like Kevin. Trust me, I hate tons of things about him, but I really do like him. Like his rather interesting proclamation of love, but damn it, I like him." She wanted to be mad about his screwed up proclamation, but she wasn't. It was kinda cute. Like him.

  
Daria cleared her throat. "I guess I know what you mean. Did I just say that? Tell you what. I won't say anything about your outfit. You were er, _cool _about the "Tom thing" to the best of your ability, so I'll be cool about the "Kevin thing". Okay?"

Jane exited her stall and stood by Daria. She smiled. "Thanks amiga."

"Hey, what are friends for?" Daria shrugged.

Jane bit her lip. "Would you like to meet Mary Sue?" Best to get it over with.

"Sure."

Brittany decided to sit out for the rest of cheerleading practice (they were allowed to have it during school, thanks to Ms. Li). Kevin said he loved her and then he changed his mind and he loved that Jane girl. Well, Brittany didn't love/like Kevin anymore. She was happy for them. She'd focus on her own relationship and swallow her pride when it came to her… ex-boyfriend. There she said it.

Charles was in study hall. She'd go visit him.

Sandi was fuming. So her scheming had failed and she was skipping class. Screw it. Damn the world! Upchuck would love _her _instead of that bimbo, Brittany! He'd take her to the senior prom next month!

Sandi would do whatever it took to get Upchuck. But how far would she go?

"Daria Morgendorffer. Welcome to Hell, or Lawndale High as it is formally called." Daria smirked.

Mary Sue smirked in return. "Mary Sue and this is just limbo compared to some other places I've been."

Jane grimaced. "Mary Sue doesn't have a last name."

"I can speak for myself. Anyway, so do you dig Italian art films?" Mary Sue was at a loss for conversation.  


"I've never actually dug an Italian art film out of the ground. You'll have to tell me about it." Daria waited for the newcomer's retort.

Mary Sue shrugged. "It's very messy, but I always find that buying a gardening trowel and a cheery pair of gardening gloves always enlightens the experience." The girl was good.

Author's Note: Song quote- _Kiss Me _by Sixpence None the Richer. 

Disclaimers: I wonder how many people actually read disclaimers? MTV, Noggin/The-N, and Viacom International own Daria. Actually, technically, I think those are all one and the same. Oh well. The characters and places I use in this fanfic belong to them, not me and I am writing this fanfic for personal amusement, definitely not profit. Not Another Teen Movie (this fanfic parodies it) is owned by Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and Sony Pictures (I think those are the one and the same as well) and I am borrowing the main concept for this fanfic from the movie (just please don't expect a drunken dad or a naked foreign exchange student in this, though. I want this not to be as um, gross as NATM was. No offense to Columbia Tri-Star Pictures and the dudes at Sony Pictures though!)

Review if you please! Three chapters in a weekend! Is this a record? I don't know.


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